Introduction – written by Alex Day and Sally Taylor
The challenges faced by those whose loved one transitions by suicide are uniquely different from those who are bereaved by other types of death. It is one of life’s most painful experiences. The intense roller coaster of emotions we experience when a loved one passes are amplified by feelings of confusion, guilt, blame, rejection, failure, and shock. The aftereffects of trauma and the stigma associated with suicide can result in complicated grief and may lead to delay in the healing process.
It is not uncommon for those who are left behind after suicide to view it as an event which could have been prevented, resulting in feelings of self-blame. There can be a tendency to replay events leading up to the suicide in an effort to identify and problem solve what might have been said or done to change the outcome. Some families are aware their loved one was struggling and others are blindsided by the event. In both cases there is often a feeling of not having done enough to support their loved one or to prevent their transition.
Most people over-estimate their own responsibility for the suicide. When we think what we could have/should have done or said, we are viewing the situation from our own, hopefully, rational brain perspective. The truth of the matter is that suicide is caused by an unhealthy brain. No matter how much we ruminate on the event, we are not party to how our loved one’s brain was operating at the time. Believing you could have prevented the suicide is assuming that we have more power over the lives of others than we really do.
Although people are becoming more enlightened about mental health issues, suicide is still largely misunderstood by the general public. People often feel inept at offering comfort or solace. This can result in a situation where some good friends distance themselves and fall by the wayside leading to a sense of isolation.
Losing friends can also compound the problem of feeling judged by others. As a result of endlessly making judgments about what we could have or should have done to prevent the suicide, we project those judgements about ourselves and assume we are being judged by others as harshly as we judge ourselves. In fact, most people are just trying to think of some small way to help remediate the pain and sorrow. They can see and imagine the suffering created by suicide and are often at a loss for how to help.
Some people will also have feelings of abandonment and/or rejection by the deceased because they see them as having chosen to give up and leave their loved ones behind. This is not true. Choice implies that a suicidal person can rationally look at the alternatives. They can’t.
In some cases, religious beliefs can leave family members and friends in fear of the conditions of their transitioned loved one’s spiritual state. Historically, traditional religions have condemned suicide as sinful and deserving of punishment. This can add an overwhelming weight of fear and grief to an already difficult loss. After death communications with those who have transitioned by suicide invariably contradict these religious beliefs. Those who have left this world by suicide describe healing, love, and acceptance without judgement.
Support groups for those who have experienced suicide in their family are helpful as they enable people to talk openly and often about their feelings and experiences long after many friends are prepared to listen. Within these groups everyone has firsthand knowledge and experience of suicide loss and its very likely that new friendships will evolve amongst people in the group.
The biggest question occupying the minds of those who remain may well be WHY? “Why did they give up hope? Why didn’t they tell me? Why didn’t I see the signs? Why didn’t they ask for help?” …and on and on. Even when their thoughts are vocalised and you put help and support in place it may not ultimately prevent them from ending their life and those left behind by suicide may ruminate on these questions for years without satisfactory answers. In most circumstances these questions will never be answered, and we must learn to integrate that unknowing into our grief journey. This is where a good evidential mediumship session can be of the greatest help.
The personal experience of Alex Day
In January 2020 our daughter, Ellie, transitioned by suicide at the age of 27. It is completely devastating, I think I was in complete shock for at least a year. The pain was intense: failure, guilt, anguish, sorrow, torment all rolled up into one and I wanted to escape it and initially I considered following in Ellie’s footsteps. What stopped me was my dad’s voice in my head clearly telling me I had to stay for our other daughter and the belief that I would find Ellie some how.I had some experience of the spiritual dimension, my father’s mother saw spirit, my dad belonged to a spiritual group, aged nine I sensed my other grandmother at the foot of my bed when she passed, I had been taken to see a medium by a family friend when my mum crossed and there was a local medium we had visited, as she was the mother of a friend of our elder daughter.
Eight weeks after Ellie crossed I visited the local medium, with Ellie’s sister and Ellie was there throughout the whole reading bringing through evidential information which showed that she had not just vanished into nothingness she was somewhere and I could find her and connect with her. In the three years since Ellie has transitioned I have had four medium readings and they have all increased my understanding of why Ellie took her life, where she is now.
I have never wanted to kid myself about the afterlife, I have wanted to find the truth. One argument which goes around my head is there are quite simply two options:
- there is nothing
- there is something.
I then think about all the signs, evidential detail from readings, my personal experiences through shamanic journeying, meditation, hypnosis, synchronicities and the evidence overwhelmingly tips the balance in favour of there being an afterlife.
I have researched and ruminated over the afterlife extensively to help cope with what is both a life changing and life defining event. Through all the research and books I have read, there are the two particular lines of thinking which I find useful:
- Suicide is just one way to transition, you could argue that in the Western world mortality has been reduced so much by modern health care that there are limited options for a soul, which is seeking a short experience on the earth plane, to depart.
- We are spiritual beings having a physical experience and we are here to learn. Perhaps the hardest lessons, or the lessons I need to learn, are learnt through suicide of a child. In addition, at the planning stage for this life I must have agreed to, or been aware that suicide of a child was a possibility and accepted that.
However, by far the biggest transformation for me have been the sessions I have had with Sally. They have me moved significantly along the continuum of hoping, believing, to a knowing that the afterlife exists and that has resulted in the biggest shift in my grief, lightening the burden dramatically and that is a gift I am forever grateful for. In our conversations through Sally, I have been able to ask Ellie questions and obtain direct answers. Ellie has been able to explain things in her own words, corroborating the medium readings I had. Here is an extract from one of our sessions:
Ellie said:
“I was talking with you; but something wasn’t happening for me, there was depression and anxiety.”
She explained, at the point of taking her life:
“I was not really there I was out of my body
There were angels, there were people surrounding me, they were people from our soul family.
I am really healthy and don’t worry.
It’s just another lifetime, we’ve had lots of lifetimes together.”
Ellie went on to say:
“I am here with you always, everything happened as it was meant to be, you’ve had the right journey to figure things out. I am with you on your journey, I love you so much, I am there with you all the time.
There are so many people coming over from their own hand and I am helping too, it is something to do, I love to help people. We can work together across the veil…there is something else happening, I am helping lots of people across the veil. You are helping other people by helping across the veil.
Your journey is helping people to understand that suicide happens, just share and I will work with you to make people aware that suicide is not the way to do things. There’s people hurting, they mustn’t feel guilty. Lots of people feel guilty, they still feel guilty for a long long time. We will help people to get through this. So many people who feel guilty, we have to help them. They are guilty of nothing but loving their children.”
So, I have shared and I hope that in some small way reading this brings an element of hope and either consolidates your thinking, or adds perspectives.
With love to fellow mums, dads and all on this journey.
Alex xxx
The personal experience of Sally Taylor
My 17-year-old son Todd transitioned by suicide in September of 2012. It was a soul crushing and life altering event that left me reeling and in heavy grief for many years, and continues to be the most significant defining moment in my life. My understanding of the continuation of life beyond physical death was, at the time, uncertain but hopeful. With Todd’s transition, I had a sudden and urgent need to gain a convincing understanding of whether he continued to exist in any form. I spent years reading and searching for anything that might shed light on the nature of existence and reality.
With time and study, I became aware of the overwhelming body of evidence for the continuation of the soul beyond physical death. I began to open to my own spiritual development, ultimately leading to intuitive and mediumship abilities. I slowly regained a connection to and relationship with my son across the veil. I still miss his physical presence terribly, but I no longer fear that my son has ceased to exist or that we are separated beyond contact.
In the Summer of 2022, almost 10 years after Todd’s transition, I met Sally Stacey in an online afterlife research group run by Wendy and Victor Zammit. I was curious about the physical mediumship development that she was describing and began to correspond with her in hopes of being helpful to her in some way. I now know that our meeting was divinely guided. In a session with Sally, I was able to not only connect with my son, but to actually hear him speaking for the first time in 10 years. Todd was able to validate his ongoing involvement in my life and in my development. He brought through both of my parents who had also transitioned since he left the physical world. My parents shared memories and gave strong evidence of their continued awareness of and involvement in my daily life.
In the decade since Todd’s transition, I have made good strides toward healing and developing a connection with my son and other family members, but I have noticed a significant return of joy, lightness, and overall wellbeing since meeting and working with Sally Stacey. What was convincing evidence in the past, is now irrefutable conviction. To go beyond belief to knowing is a new gained freedom for which I will be eternally grateful.
Sally Taylor