(Backpacking trip, Phoebe and Tommy, Scotland, UK)
People came from near and far to attend Tommy’s funeral and the venue we had chosen was chock-full of people who knew him. I’ll never forget the moment that his sister, Phoebe, stood up in front of everyone and delivered the stunning eulogy she had written to honor her brother. They had been close all their lives, always there for each other under any circumstance, unconditional love at its finest. Enjoy what Phoebe has shared in her writing, it’s a wonderful read and depicts her brother’s life here in the physical so beautifully.
Tommy’s Eulogy – Written and Delivered by Phoebe 1st June, 2019
Tommy wasn’t someone who embellished… his feet were firmly planted in the realities of life. His character, however, often seemed out of this world… His kindness knew no bounds, his humor no limits, his generosity no end. No one could have wanted for a better friend, no parent a better son, and no sister a better little brother.
When you first met Tom, he’d come across as a quiet guy. He was content to keep to himself, conscious of his own presence with a keen awareness of others and occasionally appearing shrouded in a certain level of mystery; his sparkling eyes hinting at his brilliant mind and his many gifts that left one wondering ‘what was going on inside that big head of his?’ When I say big head, I do mean a physically large, rock hard head – As a 6 year old, Tom would have to wear adult sized bike helmets…
You knew something was going on in there because when he would look at you it was as though he could see right through you – through any façade or pretense you might put up in front of the world. He would see straight through to the core of you, but with a gentleness and an understanding that instantly accepted all of you for you, because he was not one to ever judge.. I reckon this is why he was such a great listener, when he wanted to be. He had broad shoulders like our Grandad, built to offer support & to gladly carry the concerns of others..
His bright, compassionate, imaginative nature was apparent from the early days. He was easily enchanted and loved being swept away by stories, both told to him & created by the magic of his own mind. After watching Toy Story for the first time at age 4, he began a new nightly ritual of systematically going through all his toys before he went to sleep, turning any toy with a face away from his bed – he didn’t want them watching him while he slept.
His kind & caring, some would say chivalrous, attitude wasn’t learned, it was instinct. At just three years old he gave up his front row seat to a magic show at a birthday party for the birthday girl. He quietly traded places with her to make sure she had a good view. Earlier still, during one of the many rounds of vaccinations we get as kids, Tom bravely bore the pain of the needle quietly, unlike the kids who came before him. When all was said and done, with bright red ears and glistening eyes, he turned to his doctor and quietly said ‘thank you’ for his vaccinations. My mum has told me tons of stories like these of tiny Tom, stories that when told can’t help but make one smile. These stories are a bit like Tom in that way, a perfect reflection of who he was – because to be around him was to find oneself smiling, with no true reason to point to. Just who he was…
Growing up, our childhood was not the average. We crossed the Atlantic twice, living in five different counties and 7 different houses by the time Tom was 8. His first passport photo was taken at 2 weeks old, propped up precariously against our mum’s chest. He flew his first flight at just 6 weeks old & was an absolute charm, slept the whole way through. This was the first sign of one of Tom’s more peculiar personality traits; his knack for napping anywhere, anytime. Floor’s were a recurring favorite, as were staircases and chairs, both at home & at restaurants, airports, malls – he even managed to fall asleep on the cat’s climbing tree, not once but twice!
Anyway, every few years it was a new sea of faces, a new set of city streets, new school halls and new friends. Our one constant was each other and our close knit family of four, which Tom & I cherished from an early age. Maybe that’s why it would sometimes take Tom a little time to warm up to new friends. Tom was the type of man who truly saw everyone for what we are…. people, deserving of respect & kindness.. each other’s courtesy & time… When we lived in Italy, he befriended a waiter at one of our favorite restaurants – a genuine friendship, one so strong that years after we had moved to Florida when we returned to Opicina, the same man recognized him immediately & remembered his favorite dish, the rack of lamb. We know he remembered because he didn’t give Tom a chance to order, he had the dish brought out to the table before we’d finished reading the menu….
Here in Florida he had a few downs, but mostly his life was full of ups. As a middle schooler at around 11 years old, he was a starting midfielder for the High School varsity football team. You’d see these tall 17 & 18 year old young men in the line-up on the side of the field – and then Tom, this lanky, skinny, short little odd duck looking fellow– or so he seemed, until he stepped onto the field. He held his own & earned his place in the lineup because he was a naturally gifted footballer.
After his side played a team for the first time opposing coaches would learn their lesson, and before future games would warn their players to keep an eye out for the little kid in the middle… after suffering a few injuries, he hung up his boots turning to a new, up & coming indoor sport – gaming, which he also more than excelled at. When he was just 15 years old he was earning his own pocket money by sharing videos of his trick-shot skills on his Youtube page, which amassed a following of I believe around 250,000 followers in just under a year. That same year, he was recruited to play for an international semi-professional team in one of the first gaming leagues in the world…
Anyone who knows Tommy can tell you he loved sports – all sports. He was practically a savant, a walking sports encyclopedia. Not just American sports, but want to know who’d be driving for Mercedes Benz in the next Formula One race? He’d be able to tell you… Not up to date on the latest soccer transfer rumors for Juventus or PSG, or even who the best emerging players were in Ajax or the lower leagues of France and Italy? Tom was…. As for Manchester United, he certainly knew who they should buy and how the team he loved should play…
Cricket was a sport that held a special place in Tom’s heart, as it was passed down to him from our father. Dad got Tom his very first cricket bat when he was around 10 years old. In Cricket, one of the goals of the batsman is to guard three stumps, which are essentially three short sticks in the ground. For an authentic experience, Tom took a marker to the wall between our garage doors and drew his very own stumps. They are still there today, despite our best efforts to paint over them through the years. In the last few years he’d begun avidly watching the Indian Premier League. This year he was looking forward to the World Cup that started Thursday, having watched two of the teams play live a few months back in the Caribbean. In recent years he’d rediscovered a love of golf, so much so that our parents bought him a golfing net for Christmas so he could practice his swing at home. For Tom, when he liked something he was all in, and for the last six months, the soundtrack to life at our home was the thwack of Tom whacking balls into the net on the back patio morning, afternoon & night – even after coming home from work at 2am.
I mentioned earlier the brilliance of Toms mind – he wasn’t a particularly gifted gabber with a stranger, or a new acquaintance, but once you got to know him well.. & he began to open up, the forever running trains of thoughts would unobtrusively & unexpectedly begin to pour out of his mouth in a most unassuming & unannounced manner… Tom & I used to spend many of our nights sat on our back patio, chattering away about all sorts of topics –everything from “What if the T-Rex had regular, proportionate arms instead of those tiny stubby things?” to “Why are we here? Is there a God? What is our purpose?”.. He was a natural philosopher, a star gazer, a thinker. A debate we frequently returned to was the great life path debate – Tom was, at the time, still unsure of what his future held, and where it would lead him.
His moral compass was largely unchanged, as it’s true North was always in the direction of good, but his priorities were still to be figured out – what was most important to him? I’ll never forget the night he came home from work, exhaustion smeared across his cheeks, but with an excited twinkle in his eye. He plopped himself down in the seat across from mine and gave me his “I’ve figured out something you haven’t” grin, before announcing he’d chosen to prioritize happiness. That choice dictated most of his decision making, because he was determined to consciously live the best life he could. One that helped to raise society as a whole up, one that would improve everyone’s lives – to him, that could only be done by finding one’s own, true happiness.
A lot of things made Tom happy – most things, really. He was a genuinely happy guy. A big one was travel – we were blessed with adventurous parents, so traveling & exploring was our family’s way of spending uninterrupted time together. Growing up we saw much of Europe & England – a favorite trip of Tom’s was when we hiked through both the mountains of & the rainforest of Peru. We took a boat through the Amazon, & local guides trekked us through the forests along the river shores. We mostly hung back, but Tom would be right up the front, soaking in all the information the guides were giving us. One trek, we learnt about the benefits of using a common species of ant as a facial rub – we were told it worked wonders for your skin and was a natural insect repellent. That was all Tom needed to hear – he scooped up a handful off the nearest tree, crushed them in his palm and rubbed them all over his face right then and there!.. He was a true ‘Yes man’ at times.
When Tom was 18 he embarked on a solo backpacking trip through Italy, stopping both before & after at our Uncles house in Switzerland, staying in hostels & exploring the winding old city streets of places like Sienna, Rome, and Pompeii. That trip wasn’t all roses & rainbows, it had its fair share of bumps & bruises, too – not just for him, but for us at home as well! He gave our poor mum a near panic attack one day, when he messaged her requesting she call him immediately, that it was urgent and an emergency! Mum dropped what she was doing to give him a call, only to see him standing in a grocery shop pointing the camera at some soap bottles, asking “can I use this to wash my hair?
A year or so later, Tom & I headed off on a month-long expedition through the UK, working our way from the Southern town of Winchester up to the Northern Scotland city of Inverness. That last stop was Tom’s favorite on the trip, he loved the old Scottish town – it was the only spot he stopped to pick up a souvenir. Some of you will have seen him wearing it around – his Scottish flat cap.
With his friends he saw much of Florida, Orlando to Miami & everywhere in-between – they also road tripped to New Orleans together just last October for a music festival! He visited New York with my dad & I and dads family, and went to Barbados to see England play the West Indies ahead of this year’s Cricket World Cup with dad.
His spontaneous nature often spurred these impromptu expeditions… his happy-go-lucky attitude meant most of them were largely unplanned. A certain amount of time would pass, maybe a year, maybe a month, and his feet would begin to itch again, and he’d be off on his next journey.
Our adventurous lifestyle as kids meant we became accustomed to the idea that friends came & went, and we both learnt, but especially Tom, to enjoy the moments we had with them all. It also meant Tom built very strong bonds with his family; with myself & with our mum & dad especially. These bonds built & grew over the course of his life because he carefully tended to them & nurtured them with patience & a very attentive & effortless love… It came to him naturally, I believe because Tom’s greatest pleasure was to bring happiness to others… He made sure our mum started every day with a big bear hug that would remind her of how incredibly special she is, and would spend spare moments challenging her to her favorite board games. He spent weekend mornings & afternoons on the couch with my dad watching football, golf, or more recently cricket.
Or out with dad, playing the same sports they enjoyed watching so much. He kept them on their toes as well, eventually beating them at their own games – the Friday before he passed he beat my dad in another competitive game of golf, not for the first time either. The last three rounds of scrabble played against my mum, he won! His thoughtfulness was most plainly seen around Christmas & birthdays, when Tom would spare no expense to surprise all of us with carefully selected, personalized presents or plans… Just this past mother’s day he arranged a boat rental on the intercoastal, so that the four of us could spend the day together…
These accomplishments may raise a few eyebrows here today, which wouldn’t surprise me in the least. Tom was not one to brag, even when the praise was more than deserved. His humility, his fervent desire to never impose his own experience or opinion onto others meant you could talk to him about your love of jigsaw puzzles & he’d never mention our families Christmas jigsaw tradition, nor would he tell the story of our race to finish said jigsaws on Christmas Eve most years. He was happy to listen & to share in the experiences of others, and oftentimes would prefer that to sharing experiences of his own.
Tom will be remembered for many things, some I’ve touched on here already, but I think we can all agree his laugh & his sense of humor are among the top traits we all will miss. His humor was a little dark at times, a little dry, but a key part of both his personality & his approach to life. Laughter to Tom was integral to living a full life. At work, he’d organize paper airplane contests with his coworkers during downtime, and he was a great sport as the butt of the odd joke – laughing when friends snuck ice into his pocket. One night during one of our lively, nearly nightly talks we got on to the topic of his humor & he told me about how he sometimes felt his style could be a bit quirky, or peculiar…he said ‘You’ve got to learn to laugh, to laugh at the little things because if you can’t do that how are you supposed to handle the big stuff?’ He didn’t say it quite like that of course, I’m paraphrasing quite a bit here. Tom’s way with words was as unique as his laugh, which I always teased him about. I think that is what I may miss the most, listening to him, to him talking about his hopes & hearing his laugh…
That was my job, as any older sibling can tell you.. to listen to him, to love & encourage him, to offer counsel when asked, but mostly to just be an open ear, a wall to lean on – to do that for Tom was not at all a chore, it was an absolute blessing, and I do not think there are words that can explain how grateful I am to have had the relationship I did with him, to have had the opportunity of supporting him as he supported everyone else. He was growing & learning & loving & laughing & LIVING in a way that most people never will. He consciously, actively worked to do so. Many people are driven by a passion, and that passion is typically poured into a hobby or a job. Tom’s passion was for life itself – for living life as authentically as he could, without fear & without regret, and without imposing his beliefs or his lifestyle choices on the rest of the world.
Today, somehow, someway, we all have to figure out a way to say goodbye to the boy who held my hand as we wobbled over rocks & climbed mountains, who hugged my mum harder than anyone else ever could, who was my Dads best friend and made him the proudest man in the world… To a little boy full of light, who grew into a man full of nothing but love… I wish I could tell you how to do that, just as I wish I could’ve answered a tenth of the questions Tom peppered me with over the years, but I can’t. What I can say is this isn’t truly a goodbye because I firmly believe our Tommy isn’t truly gone. He lives on, inside moments & memories… in his friends memories of long nights at work, my father’s memories of going to see the game, my mother’s memories of being bested at scrabble, inside my memories of telling him bedtime stories when he’d had a nightmare and couldn’t fall back to sleep. He lives on inside all of us, in all of our hearts, which means we all now carry the duty of living a life worthy of the love he gave us. In my opinion, that’s a life that looks a bit like Tommy’s… a life lived authentically, compassionately, spontaneously…lovingly. For Tom.